God does not make mistakes

Early on in my pregnancy, my husband and I took a trip to Orlando to visit my sister. We went and did the typical touristy stuff and had a god time. Tonight, after feeling many strong emotions, I have been reminded of that trip. Specifically, our day at Sea World. While we were there I remember seeing several children-some in wheel chairs, some in braces, some severely disabled-and every time I did I remember thinking, "Please don't let that be me. I don't think I can handle that."

God knew differently.

The day of Nate's diagnosis, my husband and I just laid in bed, held each other, and cried. We were presented with the option to terminate my pregnancy and it was weighing on us heavily. For me, there was no option. I had already grown attached to my baby, had seen his sweet face on ultrasound, begun making plans for a beautiful nursery and felt him move and kick in my tummy. This child was mine, no matter what the outcome. Ryan was in a different place at that moment. He was stuck on the scare-tactic, worst-case scenario that had been laid out before us. Surgeries. Partial paralysis. Loss of bowel and bladder function. Therapy. All this medical lingo made him question our unborn baby's quality of life. I remember him saying, "I don't want our kid to have to use a catheter to go to the bathroom. I don't think I could handle that."

God knew differently.

He knows us better than we know ourselves. And he won't give us more than we can handle.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5: 2-5

Recent events have really made me think about where I stand on abortion.

I didn't feel I could commit to one side or the other.

Yet, how can I support ending a life when I feel like my child was a GIFT? How can I support the choice to end a life because someone may want to hold out for, as they put it, "a better outcome"?

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Nathan was ment to be our son. And we were meant to be his parents.


God does not make mistakes.


Doctors make mistakes. Misdiagnose. Try to determine a child's ability before that child has even had the chance to breathe out of the womb. Present worst-case-scenarios without so much as a glance in the positive direction. Lay their own, personal opinions about life on parent's shoulders. Push for termination. I recently read a post by a mother whose doctor told her, “You should just clean the slate, and start over. It is so shameful knowingly bringing a child like this into the world.”

I know that I want to be an advocate for our children and the miracles they are. I have felt this way for a long time-and haven't known what to do with it. Until now. I want to do what no one was able to do for me right after Nathan's diagnosis-I want to help put the pieces back together after that bleak picture is painted. I think that is the goal of most of us sb mommies-not only to RE-EDUCATE the very same doctors who educated us on what spina bifida is (a FAR cry from what it's known to be and from what many of them believe it to be) but to help others who may find themselves in the same situation we were faced with-and to tell them that spina bifida is not a death sentence.

I can not be an advocate for our children while also believing that terminating a pregnancy because of a diagnosis of sb is the right choice. The whole point of my blog is (yes, to chronicle our life and post ridiculous amounts of pictures of Nate) my desire to try to reach those who are hurting and scared like we once were, and to let them know that there is so much beauty in the midst of all that anger and hurt. With every picture I take I am trying to convey what I already know-that Nathan is perfect in our eyes, and is just as God intended him to be.

As a fellow sb momma put it,

This is my fire.

October is Spina Bifida Awareness month. During this month I always feel tremendous pressure to do something to try to make a difference.

Today, I learned I already am.

I am Facebook friends with a pretty awesome guy in his 20s who has sb. Tonight he told me that I am already making a difference in Nathan's life by just being a loving and caring mother. Best affirmation I could have ever asked for.

I need to let go. I have been emotionally distraught all day. But this blog post was my way of processing all that I read today. I have a clearer position on where I stand, and I have a fire. All I can hope is that my fire will someday be enough to guide others to make the best decision I ever made.