Reflections and resolutions

I love a new year. What a better time to start over, start fresh or start something new. Funny thing is, I can only remember one resolution that I actually kept. And it was only for that year and then it was no more.

More importantly it's a time to reflect on the year past. The title of this post hit me as I was going though Holiday pictures. I found this one, where our living and dining room were reflected in an ornament.



I've been reflecting lately, which has ultimately put me in a place of self-judgment. I spent way too much time on the computer. I watched entirely too much tv. I didn't play with Nate enough. I stopped doing the things I love, like cooking. I wasn't very organized. I think we all might be guilty of this. So, I am trying something new. I am trying to focus on the positive reflections of this past year. I learned to love my job. I acquired a new hobby. I formed new "virtual" friendships that have helped me in more ways than they will ever know. I continued to build my relationship with God. I tried to be the best mother and wife I could be. I know I'm not perfect (as much as I sometimes might try to be). I'm not even the mother I thought I would be. Realization hit that the image of what I thought I would be as a mother was a fake, stolen from movies and tv commercials that portrayed super-moms who could do it all. I am not a super hero. I can't do it all. It's not possible. Learning to live with that has been difficult for me this year. Slowly accepting it has granted me some relief from my self-judgment.

In this new year, I have made few (okay, a lot) of resolutions for myself. Some I'll keep, some I won't. But most of all I hope I can be open to acceptance. Accepting this imperfect side of myself. Accepting that the clutter and never-ending piles of laundry are a part of my life, not an imperfection. Accepting that I just might always be 10 minutes late for everything (and that number might jump to 20 once we add another kid to our clan). Accept our busy schedule, lack of family time, unorganized closets, and never empty sink as part of our wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling and oh-so-happy lives. I'll probably never stop trying to achieve this image of a perfect mother in my head. But maybe learning to be accepting of myself is half the battle.